…leave me alone…!!
I am under self induced hibernation. And I don’t know until when I will be in this state.
Irritation creeps within me whenever my phone rings. My continuous struggle to remain away from the near and dear ones…at times is frustrating for me … and at times it is frustrating for the person on the other side. For some, it ends up as being my vent of frustration, on people who actually matter. Yet, for some time I have been yearning for a dialogue. Is the setting really important?
The quest of discovering, yet the quest is turning out to be more futile then fertile. It is leaving me unaware. Lacking in something that I still have not figured out. Independence, means not dependent on anyone, anything. Is the quest to be independent or is it just a mere excuse to runaway…it is my old habit…to do that.
Time and again, I have questioned the same thing, yet the process has not helped me a bit. I am still lost, searching for the way that should have been there, here. Strange thoughts, weird thoughts, outrageous thoughts and scandalous thoughts, they crowd my mind. For some things I wish I was strong enough to actually do them and for some, I don’t have the zeal to do them.
It feels like I am stuck in a confined space and I am desperate to look for an exit. Yet, I am very sure, this confined space is my own creation. But somehow, I am unable to find the foundation on which I build these walls around me, so that I can break open. Like standing on that square of the chessboard, from where every and any move is sure shot death.
Could zero of the sum everything. Could the great summation of all these great things be zero? Questions abound, but where is the motive. Only mindless rattle and more frustration.
The feeling is not there. Feeling of bliss, does not last forever. Yet how can you settle for anything less, once you have tasted it. In constant search, it is turning out more aimless than anything. Trying new things, and giving up on them equally fast. The building up of restlessness and having no outlet to release it.
I have been making full circles and ending exactly in the same spot from where I started from. And then wondering…where to go next…and in the meantime…hibernating !!
Clueless, looking for the crossroad,
which I was sure would have been somewhere here.
Fatigued and Frustrated with my journey,
Desperate, I sat silently, screaming!!
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