I have been meaning to write this down for a long time. Its strange about what went through my mind in those 10 minutes under. People say, your whole life flashes in front of your eyes. Mine didn’t!! I was wondering a very weird fact, but no, my whole life didn’t flash in front of me.

I was not afraid. I was sweating, but I was not afraid. Maybe I knew it won’t happen, may be I didn’t care. After all, I was aware if it is, there is nothing I could do about it.

Its strange, none of us has never talked about it. I just had the lingering thought on me.. all these months.

]]> http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/2011/12/20/the-10-minutes-under/feed/ 1 http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/2011/12/17/abberations/ http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/2011/12/17/abberations/#comments Sat, 17 Dec 2011 18:02:57 +0000 Kid http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/?p=280 So you walk into the room. You see faces, and your brain recognizes them. But they seem not like people. You know you are in a crowd and you feel lonely. Happy faces around you, laughter but it is not registered in your head. To a normal person, it would seem like a happy crowd, but to you it seems gloomy.

You look around and nothing excites you. You say ‘Hi’ to some known faces and you quietly look for a corner where you won’t be disturbed. Even there, of all places, you are reminded of many things, from which you are trying to run away.

This was discussed many times before. And when you are actually there, you know you wanted it. Not to show-off, but to feel comfortable. You know you wanted to share it. You know you can’t. You sit quietly where you are, trying to amuse yourself. You force a smile on your face, wantng to feel included, but you know you yourself are not present mentally. You are away in your own world, wishing for things which you knew you would never had.

You force sanity on yourself. You find some one to talk to. But you are not interested. You try to socialize, because you know that is the only thing that will distract your feeble mind away from thoughts. But they realize you are distracted.

You see a ping. You feel excited. You read the words. And you feel good. But the feeling lasts only for a moment. For you are never sure. The uncertainty is always there. Your thoughts are taken to morning. When things were running in your mind. You analyze things based on how you would do them. And you know it is possible. And the possibility doesn’t feel nice.

You want to tell everything. You know you should not. Things happening on stage, make you wonder of the reactions that could have been there. Things happening on stage remind you of what will happen in future, and you know you want to be there in the future to appreciate it first hand. But you know you will be somewhere else, in a very different future. Equally real.

You tell something stupid. You know you shouldn’t have. And you do a sloppy job of patching things up. It somehow seems to work. But you know why it worked. And you continue to push yourself forward.

The phone discharges, and you are relieved. Not because you didnt want to talk further. You always want to, and there is never an end. Even if it is silence at the other end. But you are relieved, you are not going to make any blunders for the day.

You kill time, by the best way possible. But everywhere you look, you are reminded of what you wanted but could not have.

Its like two people having a conversation in your head. One says you should feel happy. One says it could have been different. Its difficult to explain the two, totally different feelings, to a single person, as a single person. One school of thought has to win over the other eventually. You know which one should and will. But you still cant help feeling the way you do. Its selfish to its very core.

Hope against Hope!!

You see drinks pouring around. Your favorite one is there. But you dont feel like going up there and taking one. Why?? The atmosphere reminds you of time gone buy. And you spent the rest of the time, explaining, that once in a blue moon actually happens once in a blue moon. You know the real reason is very different.

You walk into a crowded room. You immediately are taken back in time. You search for the face you desperately want to see, even though you know it is not there. People push you around to break a leg. But you know you can’t. Even though you were good at it some many years ago. Now you suddenly feel old. Your body still can take things, but your mind doesn’t want to. Where did the youth go, which was present for a short time, only a few weeks ago?

You can’t stop wondering, if it could be, would the DJ be appreciated or the crowd or you would just simple don’t care and dance the night away? You don’t know. You wish you could find out. But you don’t know. You loose yourself in the crowd, for that is the only way you would be alone. You still see people around, and you wish things would be different.

Things end. You walk back to your bike. The bike was the apple of your eye. Now it doesnt really run well. You seem not to care. Its cold outside. And you wonder, how things would have been. You have to go home, but you dont feel like riding your bike. You wonder why? The only joy you used to have, suddenly do not seem to be exciting enough. And you realise it reminds you of things. How many are there? They just dont seem to finish. From morning to night, every other thing takes you back in time.

You force yourself, saying No to invitations to extend the night. Because you know you want to get rid of thoughts. Maybe the comfort of bed may help. But you know that is not true. You want to charge your phone and see if you have a mail or ping.

Your thoughts are all over the place on your way back. You still dont know what changed. You cannot seem to figure out when, how and what? You still dont have the moment where everything changed. You still cannot pinpoint on the exact reason.

You know you are not riding well, but you decide to take unnecessary risks. But you reach home. One single piece.

The abberations continue.. and you continue to type words, staring blankly at the screen  and at your life.

You wish things could be different. But you know, they couldn’t have been…

Happy Birthday!!

I just hope I didn’t spoil it.

]]> http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/2011/12/17/abberations/feed/ 1 http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/2011/11/12/after-a-long-time/ http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/2011/11/12/after-a-long-time/#comments Sat, 12 Nov 2011 10:44:06 +0000 Kid http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/?p=276 I have logged in after a long time. I know there were a couple of things I wanted to share, but never got the time in the past few months. Now, even though, I don’t really have the time, I am here. I wish I could say more.

I have not felt like this in a long time. I have not been like this, I think ever. I am usually uncertain. But there has never been a voice at the back of mind telling me something. If it is wrong, then why does it feel so right?

It started with Me…when I allowed it to…
And as I grew in time.. It grew with Me.
From my ability to fathom it.. and discern it.
It developed in front of my own eyes…with My mind.
It became complex only because I allowed it to be so ..
and it is in My own control to simplify it too…

It is happy, when I wish it to be..
when I am happy.
It is sad, when I want it to be ..
when I drowse myself in sorrow.

It is only Me.. which affects it .. and nothing else…
and only I decide.. how it should be.
It moves when I want it to move..
and at the pace I choose… It stops only when I allow it to take a rest.

It is Me.. around which it revolves..and
Without Me .. it is nothing..
It is there…because I allowed it to be there in the first place.

It is Me..
It started with Me…and It shall end with Me too.

The world ceases to exist when I cease to be.
The World is Me.It is Me.

I am the World…the World is within Me.
For the World is nothing without Me.

But I cannot fail to highlight, that the immediate feeling I had when the conversation was over, was the feeling of great distance. The feeling that I have really lost ground and suddenly I am no longer as important as I thought I was…Suddenly I started to feel like the Legacy Character all over again…!!!

I hope I am wrong !!!

…there I just said it,

I am scared you will forget about me…!!

[Edge of Desire by John Mayer]

I lay in my bed, and I have this feeling in my head. I can’t seem to define it…but it reminds me of some other time. As I then, sat in that chair, in the evening thinking…what next. That was 10 years ago, when I first left my home. When I first left the comfort of family. The kind of comfort which comes only from family.

Over the past 10 years, the ride has its fair share of ups and downs. Times when I knew I was reaching new heights…and then times when I knew I was exploring new bottoms. I have been fortunate know many people …and at the end, better able to understand myself… Also, over the course of these 10 years, I found a comfort of another kind. The comfort of my friends…and now, as I lay in the bed, the same thoughts come rushing back… of may be something … of asking … what next?

What has changed??

Well I have gone the single biggest of change in my lifestyle…since leaving home.

and two weeks into this lifestyle…I think I am liking it.

HDFC Bank and ICICI Bank

When ICICI faced a run on its deposits, Aditya Puri, the MD at HDFC Bank, sent out an email to his people asking them not to poach or accept deposits from ICICI’s clients until the [current financial] crisis was over.

The idea is not to take unfair advantage over other. Although there could be other reasons also, but emphasis on ‘until the crisis was over’ is a clear indication. Win by strategy and methodology, on the principles you set and believe instead by a simple run of back luck on your competition. It is alright, capitalizing on one’s good fortune, but not if you try to capitalize on others’ bad luck.

This goes quite well with my belief, that to rise higher you need to pull yourself up, instead of stepping on the other and pushing it down.

To pull oneself up, you need to have a clear vision where you want to see yourself at a later point of time. And that cannot be dependent on your competitions outlook. For this implies that your goals are relative and fluctuate with the goals of your opponent. And in turn it implies that yourself does  not have clear understanding of your goals and only a relative understanding.

One must have its own benchmarks to succeed instead of having a relative. The idea should be to perform better from oneself and achieve a certain level of performance, instead of performing better than competition only.

The problem of setting the right benchmark for oneself, not being to harsh and not being too easy is equivalent to find a worthy adversary.

And besides, it save the trouble of gauging your performance as one external variable is removed, that being the performance of your competition.

A great competitor is not the one who wins, but the one who opens all his cards and still wins. For simply, he is a better executor of his plans, and has enough belief in himself and his plans (being foolproof and thoroughly thought out).

(This is contrary to what Apple does, and hence again, why Apple is overrated)

The last time I lived my nightmare was way back in 2007. The, then current anti-virus I was using (Symantec Norton Anti-Virus) was shown the door immediately and McAfee was brought in. This was inspite the fact that I still had subscription time left on Norton.

I am not particularly satisfied by McAfee either. The affect it has on the performance of the computer is amazing. And another person I know, recently suffered a horrible time with a Virus attack,  which the McAfee was not able to stop, coupled by the Hardware problems and the weird restrictions she had set about, it was not easy for her.

For me, McAfee is hanging on a very thin thread.

The Web of the World Wide is littered around with the latest screw up by McAfee.

The release of the McAfee 5958 Dat file affected the Windows XP SP3 addition. The slight difference in the behaviour of my laptop prompted me to do an on-demand virus scan immediately, which instead of solving the problem, had done more damage.

Post the sleepless night and mental preparation on the next step (Re-install the OS), I stumbled on the TGDaily article. Thanks to my time wasting habit I was able to save my data and solve the problem. Thank You TGDaily!!

It took me a good time to actually solve the problem. From the in numerous solutions around the net, I found none were as straight forward, and on a personal belief, not many would have been able to solve the issue easily. But thankfully, the issue is solved.

Alas, fixing this problem has forced me to think back on having a contingency plan for the Virus Attack. Although I have segregated most of my data, I need to find a really secure place to store stuff for the real important data of mine.

As they say, you are only as Strong as your Weakest link !!