It’s like an unhealthy relationship that lasts longer than it should; you hang in there knowing it’s bad for you until you finally decide to quit, but then you have that one magical moment that brings you back to square one.

Obsession should not be with past, the point of focus, but something in the future. Something worth while. Something that carries a potential to impact, in any way. For the one who tries, gets!!! A Motive to move forward, a destination and having a insatiable thirst to reach that destination. Overpowering the many hurdles which may seem insurmountable, can only be overcome with faith and zeal.

One should go after what one really wants, Blindly!!!

I have been meaning to write this down for a long time. Its strange about what went through my mind in those 10 minutes under. People say, your whole life flashes in front of your eyes. Mine didn’t!! I was wondering a very weird fact, but no, my whole life didn’t flash in front of me.

I was not afraid. I was sweating, but I was not afraid. Maybe I knew it won’t happen, may be I didn’t care. After all, I was aware if it is, there is nothing I could do about it.

Its strange, none of us has never talked about it. I just had the lingering thought on me.. all these months.

]]> http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/2011/12/20/the-10-minutes-under/feed/ 1 http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/2011/12/17/abberations/ http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/2011/12/17/abberations/#comments Sat, 17 Dec 2011 18:02:57 +0000 Kid http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/?p=280 So you walk into the room. You see faces, and your brain recognizes them. But they seem not like people. You know you are in a crowd and you feel lonely. Happy faces around you, laughter but it is not registered in your head. To a normal person, it would seem like a happy crowd, but to you it seems gloomy.

You look around and nothing excites you. You say ‘Hi’ to some known faces and you quietly look for a corner where you won’t be disturbed. Even there, of all places, you are reminded of many things, from which you are trying to run away.

This was discussed many times before. And when you are actually there, you know you wanted it. Not to show-off, but to feel comfortable. You know you wanted to share it. You know you can’t. You sit quietly where you are, trying to amuse yourself. You force a smile on your face, wantng to feel included, but you know you yourself are not present mentally. You are away in your own world, wishing for things which you knew you would never had.

You force sanity on yourself. You find some one to talk to. But you are not interested. You try to socialize, because you know that is the only thing that will distract your feeble mind away from thoughts. But they realize you are distracted.

You see a ping. You feel excited. You read the words. And you feel good. But the feeling lasts only for a moment. For you are never sure. The uncertainty is always there. Your thoughts are taken to morning. When things were running in your mind. You analyze things based on how you would do them. And you know it is possible. And the possibility doesn’t feel nice.

You want to tell everything. You know you should not. Things happening on stage, make you wonder of the reactions that could have been there. Things happening on stage remind you of what will happen in future, and you know you want to be there in the future to appreciate it first hand. But you know you will be somewhere else, in a very different future. Equally real.

You tell something stupid. You know you shouldn’t have. And you do a sloppy job of patching things up. It somehow seems to work. But you know why it worked. And you continue to push yourself forward.

The phone discharges, and you are relieved. Not because you didnt want to talk further. You always want to, and there is never an end. Even if it is silence at the other end. But you are relieved, you are not going to make any blunders for the day.

You kill time, by the best way possible. But everywhere you look, you are reminded of what you wanted but could not have.

Its like two people having a conversation in your head. One says you should feel happy. One says it could have been different. Its difficult to explain the two, totally different feelings, to a single person, as a single person. One school of thought has to win over the other eventually. You know which one should and will. But you still cant help feeling the way you do. Its selfish to its very core.

Hope against Hope!!

You see drinks pouring around. Your favorite one is there. But you dont feel like going up there and taking one. Why?? The atmosphere reminds you of time gone buy. And you spent the rest of the time, explaining, that once in a blue moon actually happens once in a blue moon. You know the real reason is very different.

You walk into a crowded room. You immediately are taken back in time. You search for the face you desperately want to see, even though you know it is not there. People push you around to break a leg. But you know you can’t. Even though you were good at it some many years ago. Now you suddenly feel old. Your body still can take things, but your mind doesn’t want to. Where did the youth go, which was present for a short time, only a few weeks ago?

You can’t stop wondering, if it could be, would the DJ be appreciated or the crowd or you would just simple don’t care and dance the night away? You don’t know. You wish you could find out. But you don’t know. You loose yourself in the crowd, for that is the only way you would be alone. You still see people around, and you wish things would be different.

Things end. You walk back to your bike. The bike was the apple of your eye. Now it doesnt really run well. You seem not to care. Its cold outside. And you wonder, how things would have been. You have to go home, but you dont feel like riding your bike. You wonder why? The only joy you used to have, suddenly do not seem to be exciting enough. And you realise it reminds you of things. How many are there? They just dont seem to finish. From morning to night, every other thing takes you back in time.

You force yourself, saying No to invitations to extend the night. Because you know you want to get rid of thoughts. Maybe the comfort of bed may help. But you know that is not true. You want to charge your phone and see if you have a mail or ping.

Your thoughts are all over the place on your way back. You still dont know what changed. You cannot seem to figure out when, how and what? You still dont have the moment where everything changed. You still cannot pinpoint on the exact reason.

You know you are not riding well, but you decide to take unnecessary risks. But you reach home. One single piece.

The abberations continue.. and you continue to type words, staring blankly at the screen  and at your life.

You wish things could be different. But you know, they couldn’t have been…

Happy Birthday!!

I just hope I didn’t spoil it.

]]> http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/2011/12/17/abberations/feed/ 1 http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/2011/11/12/after-a-long-time/ http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/2011/11/12/after-a-long-time/#comments Sat, 12 Nov 2011 10:44:06 +0000 Kid http://www.kidunltd.com/scribbles/?p=276 I have logged in after a long time. I know there were a couple of things I wanted to share, but never got the time in the past few months. Now, even though, I don’t really have the time, I am here. I wish I could say more.

I have not felt like this in a long time. I have not been like this, I think ever. I am usually uncertain. But there has never been a voice at the back of mind telling me something. If it is wrong, then why does it feel so right?

It started with Me…when I allowed it to…
And as I grew in time.. It grew with Me.
From my ability to fathom it.. and discern it.
It developed in front of my own eyes…with My mind.
It became complex only because I allowed it to be so ..
and it is in My own control to simplify it too…

It is happy, when I wish it to be..
when I am happy.
It is sad, when I want it to be ..
when I drowse myself in sorrow.

It is only Me.. which affects it .. and nothing else…
and only I decide.. how it should be.
It moves when I want it to move..
and at the pace I choose… It stops only when I allow it to take a rest.

It is Me.. around which it revolves..and
Without Me .. it is nothing..
It is there…because I allowed it to be there in the first place.

It is Me..
It started with Me…and It shall end with Me too.

The world ceases to exist when I cease to be.
The World is Me.It is Me.

I am the World…the World is within Me.
For the World is nothing without Me.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

And after reading this… I question myself…am I one of the souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

India has a huge population which lives below the poverty line who endure great pains just to have two square meals a day. India also has a good number of people who fall in the categories of HNW Individuals, Upper class, Upper-middle class and lower middle class….of we can go on in dividing the demography of the country into various classes!! But basically it falls into two broad categories, people who pay taxes and are able to earn a decent living and people who are not able to do that.

The Govt. of India uses the tax money mainly to give provide for the politicians, either by salary which keeps on going high every year or by the various innovative methods of corruption these politicians come up with. Whatever little that remains, is used for the development of the country.

Some of the money mentioned is used to buy grains and other edible material from the farmers and give them at a concessional rate to the poor people. Well, at the first look it sure is a novel idea and act up as a balancing act.

But what happens when, the bought food is not sold to the poor but rots in the store of the country? The food prices for the people who can afford rises because a portion of the supply is removed and the poor are still left hungry.

Our spineless judiciary did take note of this and rightly directed the Govt of India to give them away for free to the poor.

What does our famed PM respond to this, that it will remove the incentive from the farmers to produce.

My question here is, will it ?? I believe the farmers will be interested in the money we give them in exchange of the grain and not what we do with the grain? So if the Govt of India is really worried about the incentive to farmers then it should give them a higher price for their goods. AND not create an artificial hike in the price by removing the supply, in the name of providing for the poor.

The whole fiasco just outlines how we are being duped by our so called Govt. of India!!

We as in both, the people who can afford and pay taxes and the people who cannot afford  two square meals a day!!

But I cannot fail to highlight, that the immediate feeling I had when the conversation was over, was the feeling of great distance. The feeling that I have really lost ground and suddenly I am no longer as important as I thought I was…Suddenly I started to feel like the Legacy Character all over again…!!!

I hope I am wrong !!!

…there I just said it,

I am scared you will forget about me…!!

[Edge of Desire by John Mayer]